A novel way to judge genocidal dictators

August 7, 2009

Many historians (at least two) have judged history’s dictators by such prosaic measures as the number of people they killed, the amount of cultural stagnation and malaise they engendered in the populace, earned run average, etc.

But no one has had the historical balls to judge these tyrants by hairstyle.

So, here:

Benito Mussolini. Prime Minister of Italy, 1922-1945.

Mussolini is most often pictured wearing a hat, and for good reason. Without it, he’s Signore Potato Head.

Left: Il Duce.  Right: A horrible human-potato chimera that makes children sad.

Left: Il Duce. Right: A horrible human-potato chimera that makes children sad.

Verdict: He should have gone with plugs, or perhaps had a giant bleeding eyeball tattooed on his head. He might have seemed more fierce that way. Instead, he was Hitler’s kleine kartoffelkopf.

Adolf Hitler. Führer of Germany, 1934-1945.

The Vaseline family owes its substantial fortune to this man.

The Vaseline family owes its substantial fortune to this man.

This monotesticled monomaniac ruined the Chaplin moustache for everyone. It is well known among scholars such as me that Hitler combed enormous dollops of petroleum jelly through his hair using a gutted halibut. His mother should have told him to stop that, but she’s the one who taught him to do it.

Verdict: Holocaustic. Shameful. Remorseless.

Monotesticled.

Joseph Stalin. Premier of the USSR, 1941-1953.

stalin_wearing_pelt

Joseph Stalin is made of sexy, dawg!

What a coif! Too bad it’s actually a beaver pelt.

Verdict: Beaver pelt.

Pol Pot. Prime Minister of Cambodia, 1976-1979.

I am Pol Pot. Is it not evident to you that I like to get funky?

I am Pol Pot. Is it not evident to you that I like to get funky?

From the Killing Fields of the Khmer Rouge to the Marxist, Maoist dystopia of Year Zero in Democratic Kampuchea, this guy had dumb hair. And judging by this picture, one ear.

Verdict: More like Pol Not!
The rebel Fashionistas of Pot’s neo-agrarian paradise should have staged a coup against his hair, but they were too busy starving.

Kim Jong-il, Dear Leader of North Korea, 1998-2087 (estimated)

kim_jong-il

I borrowed my glasses from Grandma.

Does he know he looks like that? Is the entire country just afraid to tell him? Answers: no; yes.

Verdict: Perhaps he’d look better with more forehead.  That’s what the editor of Kim’s wikipedia page seemed to believe.  (Note: the image below on the right may have been removed due to fascism by the time you read this.)  Or perhaps he was just a big fan of This Island Earth:

kim_exeter_superkim

Fabio. Supermodel for Life of Italy, 1987-Present.

fabio

Your soul is mine.

The most ruthless of them all, Fabio has killed over 15 million Italians, primarily with his killer abs. Italians learned their lesson with Mussolini: never again [will an Italian with such a horrifying hairstyle, or lack of hair, rise to the rank of genocidal dictator; however, anyone possessing hair like Fabio’s should immediately be declared Supermodel for Life, for what could possibly go wrong?]. Fabio’s hair is made from the same material as unicorn horns, starshine, and rainbows. (Gold.) The word perfecto was coined to describe Fabio’s hair. Also, he has written more than half a dozen books that apparently feature him as the protagonist.

Verdict: Fabio!